Archive for the ‘pvp’ Category

World of Twats

Posted: 28 July, 2011 in pvp

Going totally off the reservation here, but I’ve been playing quite a bit of World of Tanks lately, and it’s addictive as hell.  For those of you scratching your heads in puzzlement at this stage, it’s not a weird WoW mod that replaces every class with Warriors, it’s a tank sim from a Russian developer, a free to play pvp MMO; and it rocks great big brass bells.  Of course, as with anything online you get more than your fair share of cock-eating retards playing it.  Those of you who spend any length of time in Warcraft playing Battlegrounds will know immediately what I’m talking about, of course.  In World of Warcraft, Battlegrounds are where the arseholes live after all, but the breeds and varieties of arsehole are many and varied, so I felt it behooved me to make a post to elucidate the taxonomy of the anus.  And that’s far too many big words for any intro, so now on with the shit-slinging…

The Armchair General

By far the most common type of twat in any player vs player environment, this is the aggravating moron who thinks he’s Field Marshal Erwin Fucking Rommel (yes, that was his real full name, I looked it up), but doesn’t bother to share his tactical genius with anyone until after his team have lost.  Easily identified in most cases by their spamming their team chat with sentences beginning with “ffs noobs…”  This particular cock-eating oxygen-thief refuses to accept any complicity in his teams’ failure.  They failed because they didn’t listen to the advice that he didn’t give.  They didn’t attack the side that he didn’t suggest.  They didn’t protect the flank that he didn’t tell them to protect.   He got his useless arse killed in the first minute of the battle and he calls you a noob because you didn’t follow any of the priceless advice he didn’t give while he was tabbed out buying gold.  I recently played a WoT game where one of these cretins rushed off immediately down the left flank in his Tank Destroyer without a word to anyone and when the right flank crumbled he stepped up valiantly to save the situation with the following words of tactical genius:

“ffs noobs good job on the right flank!”

By the sacred ivory-handled .45s of General George S. Patton!  That’s it!  We forgot to do a good job on the right flank!  If only he’d spoken sooner we’d have been saved!

The AFK’er.

You’re down to two tanks on each side, and one of yours is an Artillery piece.  The enemy have reached your base, just your lone Artillery and a Mark IV Panzer are all that stand between you and a humiliating defeat.  A Mark II Ausf A Panzer and a Marder II Tank Destroyer drive into shooting range, both showing obvious signs of damage, easy kills for the Mk IV.  “Shoot!” you yell, “To your left!”
The Mark IV doesn’t move.
Arty fires a desperate boresight shot at close range, misses but the splash damage blows the tracks off the Ausf A.  He grinds to a halt twenty metres from the Mark IV, dead in the water.  He can’t miss.  “SHOOT!”
The Mark IV doesn’t move.
His cover blown, Arty desperately scrambles to reverse but the Marder has seen him, he comes to a stop, takes his time to line up his shot but he really can’t miss.  Boom!  Your Artillery is knocked out.  The Ausf A is slowly turning his turret to face the Panzer, the commander must be shitting himself, just waiting for the shot from that deadly 75mm that’s going to take his turret clean off.  The Marder has only just seen the Panzer and is totally exposed with his back to the target.  Two shots.  Two shots to win the game.
The Mark IV doesn’t move.
The Ausf A and Marder spend the next fifteen seconds taking the Mark IV apart, shot by shot.  Yeah, I’ve seen this happen.  There’s a special place in hell for people who join multiplayer pvp games and then go afk in the starting area.  Up to their necks in burning shit.  Doing handstands.

The Herp-a-Derp

The Derp isn’t particularly malicious, spiteful or mean. Chances are they’re actually pretty nice folks.  You’ll never hear the Derp shouting “FFS NOOBS!”, but not because they’re so sweet and good-natured.  You’ll never hear them telling everyone what they should have done because the Derp doesn’t have a clue what he should be doing, let alone what everyone else should be doing.  Now you could argue that the Armchair General also doesn’t have a clue what he or anyone else should be doing, but not so! The Armchair General knows full well what he and everyone else should have done, but only after it’s a) bloody obvious and b) far too late.  The Derp never, at ANY point, has any idea.  At all.  The Derp is the Warrior in your battleground who a) specced Titans’ Grip and b) wields two single-handed swords.  He’s the Priest who clicked on the flag in Warsong Gulch “to see what it would do” and doesn’t know a) what to do with it or b) how to drop it so someone who does know can do something useful with it.  He’s the Elemental Shaman who’s forgotten he’s in his Resoration spec and can’t figure out why his lightning bolts take so long to cast and do so little damage, and why’s this Riptide button on his casting bar?

You get all this and more in World of Tanks too.  My particular pet hate is careless drivers.  Unlike in Warcraft, you can block other players in WoT with your own vehicle.  Now picture this, if you play a mid to high Tier game in WoT and you’re in a Light Tank, your only means of survival is your speed and maneuverability.  I played one game in my VK 1602 Leopard on the Himmelsdorf map, it’s an absolute nightmare for Artillery – tight, winding streets with no clear line of fire on anything, but there’s a road leading up the hill on the east that offers easy access to each sides’ base camp for whoever’s fast enough or strong enough to exploit it.  Enter the Leopard, which can top out at 68 kph.  You just have to get over the hill alive.  I made it to the crest without encountering any opposition, but as I drove over the hilltop my blood froze.  No more than twenty metres away, heading right at me, two medium tanks, a tank destroyer and a self-propelled gun.  I could slam on the brakes, reverse and hope they missed, or go for it.

Of course, you have to go for it.

So you slam your foot on the accelerator and start weaving, swerve around one tank, swerve the other way to get round the next, now you’re past the tank destroyer and still picking up speed.  Fire off a shot, kill the Artillery and screech round the corner at the bottom of the hill before the tanks behind you have even turned round.  Ahead of you, a clear straight road and the enemy flag.  If you’d stopped, you’d have died.  If you’d collided with or so much as bumped any of the enemy vehicles on the way down the hill, you’d have died.  Speed and maneuverability are all that stand between Light Tanks and early graves.  Light tanks are either moving or they’re dead.

So when your own side drive or reverse into you, or block roads and bridges you need to get across, or park next to you in their “I can be seen from across half the map and I don’t care” Heavy Tanks while you’re hiding in a bush and attract the fire of every Artillery piece on the map, it gets mildly frustrating.  Players just derp their way around the maps, not giving a seconds’ thought to anything beyond themselves and the closest red blip on the map.  You get derps who spot a target and immediately come crashing to a halt, right in front of a friendly Tank Destroyer hull down in a sniping spot and then wonder why the backs of their turrets are suddenly exposed to the elements and their ammo rack’s on fire.

I actually had this happen to me quite recently.  I was playing on my VK 3601(H) medium tank, which can be upgraded with an exceptionally accurate and deadly 75mm gun turning it into a surprisingly effective long range sniper.  I’m parked in the treeline of a forest, hidden from view in dense foliage, a perfect sniping spot that covers three different approach angles.  From past experience I know that pretty soon I’ll be in a target-rich environment and as long as I can stay concealed from enemy Artillery I’ll have a few kills under my belt.  Essentially I’m playing the medium tank as if it were a tank-destroyer.  Oh, and here comes a tank-destroyer now.  A dinky little T40, herp-a-derping his merry little way along, announcing his presence to any interested Artillery by lumbering through the wood, knocking over every tree he can see.  And then he comes to a stop.  In the open.  Right in front of me.  When I say “right in front of me”, I mean RIGHT in front of me.  Three metres away.  That’s something else that Derps do, by the way.  They drive their shitty little Light Tanks into perfect hilltop sniping positions (because they’re light tanks and can get there first) and and sit there bouncing their crappy 50mm popgun shells off the hulls of bemused Tigers on the other side of the map while the Jagdpanthers and SU-152s they’re blocking turn the air blue screaming for them to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, MORON!  But it’s not like I was doing this to the T40.  I mean, I was in a wood.  There was cover everywhere.  But no, he was not only going to not sit in cover, he was going to knock over every bit of cover there was on the way to not sitting in cover and he was going to not sit in cover right in front of someone who was, shouting “Here I am!  Shoot me (and the person with me who’s not an oxygen-thieving moron and whose line of fire I’m now completely blocking) please!”

So what can you do?  If I had a horn I’d have beeped it.  After a few seconds of swearing inneffectually at the screen, I rammed him.  Didn’t do any damage, he was only three metres away and it takes slightly more than that to get up past 3kph in a VK3601, but hopefully he got the point.  Except he didn’t.  So I rammed him again.  And again.  Still, the fuckwit just sits there, probably thinking to himself “Hurrrr…  wut dat bangin noize?”  So what else was I supposed to do?

After taking a point blank 75mm high velocity shell in the rear of his open-topped hull, he eventually got the point and moved.  Very slowly.  His engine was pretty fucked and his driver was dead after all.

What?  Don’t look at me like that, I asked him nicely.  Three times.

Captain Obvious

This guy makes my blood boil.  I hate this guy so much I will actually take the time to stop shooting and type a sarcastic reply, even if it means my own death, I hate him that much.  This is the guy who, while you’re in your battleground starting area and waiting for the start timer to expire, helpfully tells everyone “Kill them all and we win, ok?”  The guy who, on the maps with only three routes to and from the enemy base, pings the map on those three routes to helpfully tell everyone where they are.  Just in case, you know, someone forgot they had a minimap.  The guy who, while you’re in the middle of a furious attack, helpfully shouts “Attack!” in team chat.  Presumably people forget what it is they’re actually doing and need prompting from time to time.  Red dots appear on your map?  Captain Obvious will ping them.  Why thank you Captain Obvious, I’d always wondered if there was any correlation between the presence of red dots on my minimap and the sudden appearance of enemy forces in remarkably close proximity to the location of aforementioned red dots.  Your help in clearing up this mystery is very much appreciated.  Thank you for your time.  Now please go choke on shit and die.  Thanks.


Player Versus Player

Posted: 3 June, 2011 in Dickhead of the Week, pvp

Ok, first of all, I need to get this off my chest.  It’s got nothing to do with World of Warcraft so those of you not interested in a random rant can just skip right ahead to the next paragraph.  I hate being lied to and treated like I’m some kind of moron.  I hate it.  Violently.  So of course, watching TV, especially news and advertisements, usually sends me into a frothing rage.  On my last ship I was actually forbidden from sitting in the mess when the news was on.  True story.  So anyway, you know the sort of thing I’m talking about.  “New Crappee Washing Powder, Improved formula!”  What the fuck?  You’ve been selling your junk with the “New, Improved” bullshit attached for the last fifteen years.  By my reckoning that must mean the crap you were selling us fifteen years ago must have actually been making my clothes dirtier!

Which leads me onto MacDonalds’ new advertising campaign in the UK.  “The Great taste of America returns to MacDonalds!”  Does no-one else see the comedy in that?  No?  The Great Taste of America.  MacDonalds.  What, do they suddenly have burgers on the menu now or something?

It gives me RAGE.

So anyway, we’ve not had Dickhead of the Week for a while.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Akrion!

Now those of you who pvp on a regular basis probably have no idea what I’m talking about.  Nothing out of the ordinary here.  What we have is me just about to cross Blackstone Span on the way into Lol Barad when some window-licking mouth-breather reasonably politely asks me to help him kill some pvp-flagged Hordie, who just happened to be sitting next to the level 85 Elite horde guards waiting for incredibly stupid people to take a shot at him.  I equally politely told him no thanks, as I wasn’t interested in seeing my health drop from 100% to nil in half a second and have to spend the next five minutes after rezzing waiting for an unwanted debuff to wear off.  Also I suck.

Apparently, this makes me homosexual.

First of all, since there’s pretty much absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual, it’s a really crappy insult.  But you know, take it in the spirit in which it’s intended and all that.  This is, believe it or not, the first time I ever reported a player for abuse.  I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to do something on this occasion instead of the usual approach – ignore and keep riding.  But something got to me this time.  Not the fact that I’d been insulted, because it really didn’t bother me.  Strange as it may seem, the opinions of aggressive, retarded children don’t factor much into how I decide to run my life.  If Bill Hicks had told me I sucked I’d be heartbroken, but the opinion of Akrion the cockmonkey matters not one whit to me.  In fact, if cockmonkeys like this disapprove of you, you can pretty much take it as given that whatever you’re doing, you should probably keep doing it.

But no, what prompted me to actually do something on this occasion was social responsibility.  This asshat’s wandering around our server randomly insulting whoever he likes, and he’s getting away with it.  I know he’s getting away with it, because if he’d ever been reported and banned he wouldn’t be doing it.  Up until now, the consequences of this nasty little shitbag wandering around casually spoiling peoples’ days has been precisely zero.  It’s been precisely zero because we do nothing about it!  Don’t waste time arguing with these butt-nuggets.  Never argue with idiots.  They just drag you down to their own level and beat you with experience.  Hit the shits where it hurts, get them banned.  You end up with less arsehole on your server.  It’s win-win.  There is NO downside.

Also, it’s getting very depressing that every time I run across one of these bottom-feeding oxygen thieves it’s in a pvp context.  To put this into perspective, sure, you get arrogant, obnoxious turds in pve too.  Of the dozen or so random heroics or Baradin Hold raids I’ve run this week I’ve run into one of these arseholes maybe once or twice.  The tank who drops group after the first boss because the loot he wanted didn’t drop, for example.  But the second you queue up for a random battleground or the battle of Lol Barad I run into dozens of them.  Rude, aggressive, selfish, obnoxious wankers.  Everywhere.  And yet, the pvpers in my guild are pretty decent, polite, capable and intelligent folks.  Does the act of hitting that “Queue for Random Battleground” button transform you into a slavering idiot?  What strange magic is at work here?  But of course, the important distinction is that the guys who pvp in my guild are all on rated battleground and arena teams.  The idea of someone like our good friend Akrion, who thought that attacking a flagged hordie standing inbetween two elite guards was a sound tactical move, actually being a member of a team that could do anything more complicated than queue for the toilet, fills me with lol.

So Galadan once again found himself defending Lol Barad from the clutches of the evil horde, and once again we failed miserably.  I’m beginning to think it’s me.  Obviously, Alliance can win Lol Barad, we were defending after all.  But there’s a grim inevitability about whenever I don my holy plate and sally forth to Ironclad Garrison.  I turn into a Rogue magnet.  I shit thee not.  Today I actually had four of the buggers on me at one point.  Afterwards I check damage logs and look at the Alliance rogues, both of them in the top five damage done.  Then I check interrupts done for the whole of a fifteen minute battle and the leader is a warrior.  With one interrupt.


Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m just a collossal arsehole magnet?  Perhaps the Alliances’ best hope for conquest is if I just stick to doing my dailies and keep the arseholes away from the battlegrounds, following me around calling me gay?

In other news, I just absolutely LOVE Blizzards’ proposed changes to crowd control.  For those of you scratching your heads in puzzlement, what’s planned for the next patch (I think) is that applying crowd control in pve will no longer initiate combat, because getting a trap and a polymorph to go off at the same time is really hard.

Yes, that was sarcasm.

I’ll just let the always reliable Daily Blink sum this one up for me.


Also, I got a new t-shirt!


For The Children!

Posted: 4 May, 2010 in Dickhead of the Week, pvp, Rant

This is Calli in pvp gear. Yes, I know. Hard to believe.

And this is Calli's normal view of the world while doing pvp.

And it's all HER fault!

Don’t let her innocent looks fool you.  That Draenie orphan is the living emodiment of the most vile and malicious evil ever to be unleashed on an unsuspecting world.  She and she alone is directly responsible for an annual outbreak of QQ of such epic proportions that it renders the official forums uninhabitable for even the trolls at this time of year.

See, here’s the problem.  I don’t want to be in your Battlegrounds.  You don’t want me to be in your Battlegrounds.  No-one wants me to be in your Battlegrounds.  So if we’re all agreed that my being in your Battlegrounds is A Bad Thing for everyone involved, surely it behooves us all to get me out of your Battlegrounds as quickly and efficiently as possible?

Yeah, you’d think that would make sense wouldn’t you, but here’s why I don’t pvp if I can possibly help it.  First of all, I suck.  Secondly, if you want to rub shoulders with the biggest dickheads and griefing cocknockers imaginable, just run a random Battleground.  They’re like a giant fuckhead magnet.

When was the last time you were in a PvE group and someone ran into a Flame Wreath at Shade of Aran on purpose and laughed while jumping on the spot calling you all noobs and wiping the raid?  Have you ever seen anyone in a Rotface group deliberately kiting a Big Ooze right into the middle of the raid and spamming raid chat with “HAHAHA FU NOOBS! LERN2PLAY!”?  Or who gets Vile Gas on Festergut and then runs over to the healers to make sure they get it too all the while yelling “DIE CAREBEARS!!”?  Going into a Battleground is like having half a dozen of these cockmongers in your raid every single time.

I’m in Warsong Gulch and I need to recap a flag with my orphan out.  So I figure I might as well defend the Flag room to at least be doing something constructive while I’m in there.  There are three or four of us all with the same idea, and having people defending your Flag isn’t actually a bad thing in Warsomng Gulch, so I figure everyone’s a winner.  One lone Hordie comes in via the tunnel and emotes at everyone to wait.  We all /cheer at her.  It’s not often the enemy team plays along and when they do you can get the achievement out of the way as fast as possible and get on with winning the game.  Everyone’s happy.  Except for the Rogue who unstealthed and unloaded a can of wtfpwn on the poor troll mage faster than we could all say “wtf?”  We ask him to please let the next one cap the Flag so we can return it, he replies with “FU noobs”.

The next Hordie to enter is a shaman, and this time he actually makes it as far as the Flag before getting the shit kicked out of him.  The Flag is instantly returned by the Rogue, who doesn’t have an orphan out.  He spams chat with more abuse.  The cycle continues.  Not one person gets the achievement, and before long the Horde get sick of trying to play nice, steal our Flag and start Graveyard camping us for Honourble Kills.  Everyone loses, including the rogue.

I’m in Alterac Valley and again we have co-operative Horde.  There’s a Blood Elf mage in one of the Frostwolf towers who’s obligingly recapping the tower flag for us and letting us all cap it one after the other.  That tower must have changed hands twenty times in a minute.  The raid is just waiting for all the other towers to turn blue before running in to kill Drek.  Until someone decided that far too many people were achieving something and runs in and steamrollers her.

Flip the situation on its head however, and let’s look at Eye of the Storm.  To get your achievement in there you need to capture a flag.  In order to capture a flag you need to have a base at which to capture.  Just having a flag isn’t good enough.  So the best tactic to both get your achievement and actually win the match is to immediately grab your closest two bases and then control the centre of the field.  I can appreciate the tears of frustration that the regular battlegrounders must feel when three quarters of their team pop orphans and ignore the bases, rushing straight for the flag in the middle and getting stuck in pointless melee over something (the Flag) that isn’t worth anything and doesn’t get you your Childrens Week achievement unless you actually control a base! But the thing is, unlike you we’re not actively going out of our way to fuck your shit up, we’re just noobs.  There’s a world of difference.

I’ve heard all the counterarguments.  “Yeah, doing pvp in a Battleground is wrong, right?”  No of course not.  But when your carebears are actively trying to defend your Flag room in WSG and your only contribution is to screw them over?  Yeah, that’s not pvp.  That’s being a dick.  “So you carebears have some God-given right to get all the Flag captures in Arathi Basin just because you’re special this week?”  No of course not.  But you guys can cap those flags 51 weeks of the year, we only care about it this one week.   And capping a flag right in front of someone with an orphan out then laughing at them?  Newsflash buddy.  That’s not pvp.  Pvp is fucking over the other team.  That’s being a dick.

Luckily for me, I’m in a good guild.  After two days of soul-crushing frustration trying to get some of the achievements done in randoms, we threw together a group of around five who needed the achievements and got each and every one first time.  We even got the achievements for others in the battlegrounds who also needed them, and working together we also won every single game.  Gee, that’s gotta be afirst, co-operating instead of being a dick?  It seems to work for everyone.  Sure, there were dicks in the battlegrounds because there are dicks in every battleground.  Battlegrounds are where dicks live.  But when a Tank with 60k health supported by an amazing Arena-geared Holy Paladin and Rogue waltz into the horde Flag room and start capping and dropping the flag over and over so the Horde can get the message that we’re here to co-operate, even the dicks on the Horde team can’t do a lot to screw their own side over.

Co-operation beats being a dick every time.  And at the end of the day I’m done and out of the Battlegrounds for good.  Despite your griefing I got my achievement.  By your own criteria, I’ve “beat you”.  And you’re still a dick.

It seems there’s another beta build on the test servers and there’s a fairly massive change been slipped in. WoW Insider just reported that downranked spells now cost much more mana than maximum rank, sometimes more than 100 mana more than the highest rank.  How is this going to affect you?  Over to our panel of experts.  Calli, you first.

*yawn*  Oh sorry, you wanted a comment? Well I guess that on fights like Morogrim Tidewalker in Serpentshrine Cavern, Mages are going to have use max rank Frost Nova to root the murlocs in place and keep them away from the healers, assuming your raid uses that strategy and doesn’t have a tankadin or a Water Elemental to do it from a safe distance.  The increased damage is fairly trivial, so threat shouldn’t be an issue.  Can’t see anything to get excited about, personally.

Ow! Put the stick away!  Ok, ok..  pvp implications…  Well the days of spamming Rank 1 Arcane Explosion to flush Rogues and Kitties out of hiding are well and truly over.  Yes, the Rogues are rolling their faces all over their keyboards in utter glee at this one.  Rank 1 Frostbolt will probably still be used to get that initial snare off quickly but it’s probably going to be a lot more situational now, and the days of spamming Rank 1 Frostbolt to get that Winter’s Chill debuff up are probably long gone too.  Rank 1 Frost Nova in pvp is also dead and buried.  Speaking personally, I’m a raiding Fire Mage who’s already paid the pvp penance to get the trinket, so I have no need to either use downranked anything or pvp at all anymore.

Now on the other hand if I was a Frost Mage who did Arenas or Battlegrounds…  ouch.  Shinano, over to you.