Raid Anatomy 102

Posted: 26 March, 2010 in misc, Raiding

Part Two in an inexplicably popular series.  The misery continues!

The Discipline Priest.
Your Discipline Priest is a female toon with a slutty name.  She /flirts and /giggles more than is healthy for anyone over the age of 16, has a coterie of slavishly devoted and desperate teenage male guild members who shower her with attention and in-game gifts.  She’s been the epicentre of more drama than The Theatre Royal, caused more people to leave your guild than finals at University and can pack enough innuendo into the word “discipline” to make Sid James blush.  Not an hour goes by in guild chat that she doesn’t slip in something about her being a girl in real life, like how she can never find a boyfriend, and she’s also so shy about her sexy European accent that she simply can’t speak on Teamspeak.

Yes, your Discipline Priest is Gary, a 35 year old man from Yorkshire. And he’s laughing his ass off.

The Holy Paladin
Your Holy Paladin has a mana bar that makes your Tanks’ health bar look conservative, and your tank has 50k health.  According to the rumours, she’s a girl in real life, but since “she” never, EVER speaks on Teamspeak “her” gender is anyones’ guess.  This doesn’t stop your more desperate male guildies of course.  Nothing short of the Apocalypse would.  Unlike your Discipline Priest, there’s a good chance that the Holy Paladin is actually a girl since if you ever get into an argument with her she’ll keep you up until 2am in /whispers and actually follow some sort of internal logic that is only decipherable to the female mind.  Unlike a man, she is perfectly happy to admit she’s wrong if proven so, but since no man is capable of following the workings of the female mind you’re pretty much going to be arguing until either a) 2am or b) you start banging your head against a brick wall.

Another clue to her true identity is that despite being incredibly good at her job, she suffers from an affliction common to her gender – always being late.  She’s been playing WoW for five years and has never been at a raid on time in her life.  Since the beginning of recorded statistics she’s been summoned into instances over 1000 times and always after raid start time.  This distinctly female concept of time extends to her understanding of what exactly a five minute raid break means.  To you and me it means five minutes.  To her it means however long it takes to powder her nose, make tea, see what’s on TV and call her mother.  Civilisations have risen and fallen in the time it takes her to answer a /readycheck.

Yep.  Definitely a girl in real life.

The Frost Mage
Yes you heard me right.  Frost Mage.  Yes, in a raid.  Yes, I know.  She also has all her gear gemmed with spirit.  She even has Mongoose on her staff.  Yes it sucks, but it’s got the “prettiest glow”!  Well technically she’s a Frost Mage, but I only say that because most of her talent points are in the Frost tree.  The rest are god only knows where.  Seriously.  You couldn’t make this stuff up.  And don’t tell me to have a quiet word with her, I’ve tried.  Oh trust me, I have. The slightest hint of constructive criticism and she throws an almighty strop and makes a scene in guild chat and I end up being the bad guy.  Oh yeah, it’s just not worth the pain and grief.  She gets invited to every raid too, with her 1.5k dps, and I sit on the bench two raids out of every three with my 9k.  Bitter?  Me?  Never!

I guess the only thing to do is take a leaf out of her book and marry the raid leader.

The Warlock
Your Warlock is three feet tall, has pink pigtails for hair, is named Snufflebunny and uses the anguished souls of her enemies to power her fel magicks.  Which is nice.  Back in The Burning Crusade she topped the damage meters by having a Shadow Priest in the raid and going afk with a brick on top of her Shadowbolt button.  Sadly for her, those days are long gone.  Back in vanilla WoW, since there was practically no way to break a Fear, it used to take a 40 man raid group to kill her in pvp.  Sadly for her, those days are long gone too.  In order to be any good in Wrath of the Lich King she’s has been forced to learn how to play her class.   This is why she QQs more than a Mage locked in a Burning Crusade time warp.  Meanwhile your Arcane Mage is laughing his ass off.

The Enhancement Shaman
Serena Williams is a Draenie Enhancement Shaman.  Discuss.

This is why your Enhancement Shaman is ALWAYS a Draenie female.  No, it’s not because of Gift of the Naaru.  It’s got nothing to do with the jewelcrafting bonus, give me a break!  It’s the massive blue tits and ass.  Bewbs > All.  Scientifically proven by a room full of twentysomething male Blizzard graphic artists.  Seriously, roll a Dreanie female yourself and just watch her run around.  Try to stop watching.

See?

The Retribution Paladin
Your Ret Paladin has been playing Ret since vanilla WoW.  To those who started playing after The Burning Crusade was released, this will require some explanation.  Back in the day, “Retribution” and “dps” were not used in the same sentence unless the word “lol” was also included somewhere.  This means that your Ret paladin has been forced to learn how to play his class very, very well indeed in order to be able to beat a bored Holy Priest on Recount.  When the Wrath of the Lich King pre-patch was released, Ret Paladins recieved some pretty substantial buffs.  In effect, what this meant was that Blizzard gave Space Marine Power Armour, Rocket Launchers and Melta Bombs to a class who had until that point been managing their dps armed with the metaphorical equivalent of Kiwi Fruit and Laura Ashley dresses.

There was carnage.  The Ret Pally got the 50k Honourable Kills Achievement in the same week.

Comments
  1. Tinuviel says:

    You pester someone about leaving your class/role out and you take a risk… but I can’t deny it doesn’t fit me quite well :) Thank you I think.

  2. Calli says:

    You’re entirely welcome Little Miss AFK ;)

  3. Daxlim says:

    The disc priest one is dangerously close… ;)

  4. jon marc says:

    cant believe i played a female draenei DK to L77 and still didnt notice that unique running style. will check on that tonight XD

  5. Nymphe says:

    Wonderful! both of the Raid comp posts had me rolling over my morning soda at work, and stuffy co-workers looking at me funny….

  6. Jujee says:

    Enjoyed reading part 1 and 2.

    Ret pallies are laughable now. Shadow priests need a nerf! More importantly, Vote 1 for deforestation.

  7. Analogue says:

    Wow, these are… hilariously funny. I’ve known some of these I think. Why are you Brits so much better at dry dry humor than Americans are? Is it the weather?

  8. Calli says:

    It must be the really crappy weather. And having to live in draughty castles and drink tea all the time. You need a sense of humour to live here. ;)

  9. wowrarespawn says:

    I never stop to comment on peoples sites but I felt the need to tell you I love your site. great post. keep up the good work on this site.

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