Bonus post today! This one I just have to share, courtesy of Leyra on Greymane.
Yes, THIS is how you Mage.
Part Two in an inexplicably popular series. The misery continues!
The Discipline Priest.
Your Discipline Priest is a female toon with a slutty name. She /flirts and /giggles more than is healthy for anyone over the age of 16, has a coterie of slavishly devoted and desperate teenage male guild members who shower her with attention and in-game gifts. She’s been the epicentre of more drama than The Theatre Royal, caused more people to leave your guild than finals at University and can pack enough innuendo into the word “discipline” to make Sid James blush. Not an hour goes by in guild chat that she doesn’t slip in something about her being a girl in real life, like how she can never find a boyfriend, and she’s also so shy about her sexy European accent that she simply can’t speak on Teamspeak.
Yes, your Discipline Priest is Gary, a 35 year old man from Yorkshire. And he’s laughing his ass off.
The Holy Paladin
Your Holy Paladin has a mana bar that makes your Tanks’ health bar look conservative, and your tank has 50k health. According to the rumours, she’s a girl in real life, but since “she” never, EVER speaks on Teamspeak “her” gender is anyones’ guess. This doesn’t stop your more desperate male guildies of course. Nothing short of the Apocalypse would. Unlike your Discipline Priest, there’s a good chance that the Holy Paladin is actually a girl since if you ever get into an argument with her she’ll keep you up until 2am in /whispers and actually follow some sort of internal logic that is only decipherable to the female mind. Unlike a man, she is perfectly happy to admit she’s wrong if proven so, but since no man is capable of following the workings of the female mind you’re pretty much going to be arguing until either a) 2am or b) you start banging your head against a brick wall.
Another clue to her true identity is that despite being incredibly good at her job, she suffers from an affliction common to her gender – always being late. She’s been playing WoW for five years and has never been at a raid on time in her life. Since the beginning of recorded statistics she’s been summoned into instances over 1000 times and always after raid start time. This distinctly female concept of time extends to her understanding of what exactly a five minute raid break means. To you and me it means five minutes. To her it means however long it takes to powder her nose, make tea, see what’s on TV and call her mother. Civilisations have risen and fallen in the time it takes her to answer a /readycheck.
Yep. Definitely a girl in real life.
The Frost Mage
Yes you heard me right. Frost Mage. Yes, in a raid. Yes, I know. She also has all her gear gemmed with spirit. She even has Mongoose on her staff. Yes it sucks, but it’s got the “prettiest glow”! Well technically she’s a Frost Mage, but I only say that because most of her talent points are in the Frost tree. The rest are god only knows where. Seriously. You couldn’t make this stuff up. And don’t tell me to have a quiet word with her, I’ve tried. Oh trust me, I have. The slightest hint of constructive criticism and she throws an almighty strop and makes a scene in guild chat and I end up being the bad guy. Oh yeah, it’s just not worth the pain and grief. She gets invited to every raid too, with her 1.5k dps, and I sit on the bench two raids out of every three with my 9k. Bitter? Me? Never!
I guess the only thing to do is take a leaf out of her book and marry the raid leader.
Your Warlock is three feet tall, has pink pigtails for hair, is named Snufflebunny and uses the anguished souls of her enemies to power her fel magicks. Which is nice. Back in The Burning Crusade she topped the damage meters by having a Shadow Priest in the raid and going afk with a brick on top of her Shadowbolt button. Sadly for her, those days are long gone. Back in vanilla WoW, since there was practically no way to break a Fear, it used to take a 40 man raid group to kill her in pvp. Sadly for her, those days are long gone too. In order to be any good in Wrath of the Lich King she’s has been forced to learn how to play her class. This is why she QQs more than a Mage locked in a Burning Crusade time warp. Meanwhile your Arcane Mage is laughing his ass off.
This is why your Enhancement Shaman is ALWAYS a Draenie female. No, it’s not because of Gift of the Naaru. It’s got nothing to do with the jewelcrafting bonus, give me a break! It’s the massive blue tits and ass. Bewbs > All. Scientifically proven by a room full of twentysomething male Blizzard graphic artists. Seriously, roll a Dreanie female yourself and just watch her run around. Try to stop watching.
The Retribution Paladin
Your Ret Paladin has been playing Ret since vanilla WoW. To those who started playing after The Burning Crusade was released, this will require some explanation. Back in the day, “Retribution” and “dps” were not used in the same sentence unless the word “lol” was also included somewhere. This means that your Ret paladin has been forced to learn how to play his class very, very well indeed in order to be able to beat a bored Holy Priest on Recount. When the Wrath of the Lich King pre-patch was released, Ret Paladins recieved some pretty substantial buffs. In effect, what this meant was that Blizzard gave Space Marine Power Armour, Rocket Launchers and Melta Bombs to a class who had until that point been managing their dps armed with the metaphorical equivalent of Kiwi Fruit and Laura Ashley dresses.
There was carnage. The Ret Pally got the 50k Honourable Kills Achievement in the same week.
This is your raid. There are many like it, but this one is yours. You must master your raid as you must master yourself. Without your raid, you are useless. Unfortunately your raid is useless with or without you because it consists of these clowns…
1. The Healers
The Resto Druid is played by a single mother from Amsterdam whose diet consists almost entirely of lentils, cannabis cakes and tofu. She knows all the words to The Lament of the Highborne and can sing it in its native Thalassian. When she’s not off her face on cannabis cakes, she’s composing folk songs on her banjo. Sometimes she does both while playing WoW. In defiance of all the odds, this actually makes her better at playing her class. She’s a Wiccan even though she only has a superficial understanding of what that means, but Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was one, so she is too. If there’s ever any drama in your guild, she’s right at the centre of it. She’s never actually the source of any drama, but she’s drawn to it like flies to a fresh corpse.
The Resto Shaman is a 17 year old guy from Birmingham. His offspec is Elemental and everyone in the raid will know this because before every pull he will inform everyone that you only need two healers for this fight and he has an Elemental offspec in case the raid leader needs a healer to switch. The raid leader never does, but he’ll squeeze in a few sneaky lightning bolts whenever thinks no one’s looking. He only took a healing offspec so he could get into raids and despite being a healer, he’ll beat the Deathknight on dps. And then he’ll /roll on the dps caster cloth.
The Holy Priest has been playing a priest since Molten Core and will waste no time telling everyone in the raid his stories about killing Baron Geddon when half the raid was in blues and “stuff was so much harder back in The Good Old Days lol”. He still loves to equip his full Tier 1 and Benediction and pose around the mailboxes in Dalaran. He hates the Resto Shaman because he’s carried a grudge about Chain Heal since Black Temple. He’s actually a pretty good healer but like all Holy Priests, he dies a lot because he suffers from an advanced case of Chronic Martyr Syndrome. This will manifest itself in various ways, but the most common is death by Standing In The Fire because he was “too busy saving the dumbass dps to notice”.
2. The DPS.
There are two types of Rogue you can have in your raid. The first is much more amusing. No-one knows what his spec is. Don’t ask him because he’ll just tell you it’s “l337 dps lol!” and you’ll be forced to gouge out your own eyes with a spoon. If he doesn’t have an addon that spams chat with numbers every time he beats his personal best crit, he’ll type it in raid chat anyway. He has Recount installed but pretends he doesn’t so he can get away with asking for Recount to be linked after every fight. He thinks that this way he can act innocent and be genuinely surprised that his dps is so high, instead of linking it himself just to rub everyones’ noses in it. He hates the hunter, because he’s the only one who can beat him on Recount. This Rogue is a 13 year old from Aarhus.
The second type of Rogue plays with cold, ruthless efficiency and never says a word on Teamspeak or in raidchat. His dps is solid and he never screws up. He plays like a robot because he is in fact a robot. His name is actually Wan, he lives in Beijing and works for a gold farming company. He controls the character entirely through scripts and macros and never speaks because he doesn’t speak English at all and is running four other characters at the same time.
The Hunter is a 35 year old unemployed bricklayer from Glasgow. Despite playing while under the influence of enough alcohol to kill a horse, his dps is spectacular on any fight where he’s allowed to stand still and dps because… well… he’s a Hunter. On any movement fight his dps is great up until the point where the Holy Priest can’t keep him alive through Standing In Fire any longer due to succumbing to Matryr Syndrome and dying in Fire himself. At which point the Hunter dies too and opens another can of Heineken Export. Due to being completely and utterly shitfaced, the hunters’ sole contribution to raidchat is limted to “wwwwaaasssddaaawwaaa” on those rare occasions when he realises he’s not in fact hallucinating and those pretty colours are actually the fire he’s standing in, but forgets he pressed his Enter key before trying to move. Occasionally he speaks on Teamspeak, but no-one other than another drunken Glaswegian is capable of understanding a drunken Glaswegian and you only have one Hunter in your raid.
Your Mage used to be a Fireball mage. Before that he was a Frostfire Mage and now he’s an Arcane Mage with a Frostfire Bolt AoE offspec. As a result he has gear that has far too much crit, ridiculous amounts of hit and nowhere near enough haste, but since Mage Flavour of the Month spec changes so often he’s constantly playing catch up with his gear. He played a Mage in The Burning Crusade, when even vendor npcs did better dps and mages weren’t even needed for Arcane Intellect due to the Kiru’s Song of Victory buff, so he’s pathetically touchy about criticism of his dps and he hates Warlocks with a single-minded intensity that would make Hannibal Lecter look scatterbrained. He’ll go out of mana due to Arcane Blast spam about 50% into any fight and will always time his Evocation to go off half a second before Bad Shit appears randomly at his feet. He will therefore spend the rest of the fight either dead or using a wand, cursing warlocks the entire time.
The Feral druid is a 19 year old student from Brighton. He’s busy failing his second year of university due to playing too much WoW. Never schedule a raid for weekend mornings or afternoons if the Feral Druid is in your raids because you’ll always need to find a replacement for him due to his still being in bed/drunk from the night before. He doesn’t resemble anything even vaguely human until at least 2pm in the afternoon. His diet consists entirely of cheap beer from the Students’ Union and bread, yet he’s still up to his eyeballs in debt. This is because his bank overdraft and student loan is spent on WoW and cigarettes, and he doesn’t have a job. All of this spare time and WoW playing should, of course, make him an exceptionally good Feral dps, if not for one thing. Due to the complexity of the Feral dps priority system, to be any good at Feral dps you need the reflexes of a rattlesnake combined with the mental dexterity of an Air Traffic Controller. Sadly, your Feral druid is a 19 year old student from Brighton who doesn’t get out of bed before 2pm in the afternoon.
3. The Tanks.
The Warrior Tank is played by a single 40 year old man from Manchester who works in some government bureaucracy that he never talks about on account of it being a soul-destroying job that saps his will to live on a daily basis. WoW is his only escape from the drudgery of his daily existence. He is exceptionally good at tanking, which you’d expect since he’s been doing it “since you were still crapping in your hands and wiping it on your face, asshole!” He is, however, utterly devoid of patience due to his god-awful job and suffers from Chronic Carpal Tunnel Syndrome due to being a Warrior tank in the first four years of WoW and having to tab target and spam Sunder Armour on every mob in sight as his only means of generating aoe threat. This lack of patience and constant, debilitating pain makes him THE MOST EVIL BAD TEMPERED BASTARD IN THE WORLD. If you screw up, he will OWN you. On the bright side, he makes Heroic Halls of Reflection look easy and is entirely capable of tanking Gormok the Impaler and both Northrend Worms at the same time until the Resto Druid can battle rez your offtank. In fact, he once had to when a PuG Holy Paladin didn’t give the Warrior’s Offtank a Blessing of Protection as demanded after the fourth Impale from Gormok, causing the Offtank’s death in Heroic 25 man Trial of the Grand Crusader. The Warrior Tank had a few things to say to the Holy Paladin afterwards. The Holy Paladin is now too scared to log back in and hasn’t been seen in six months.
The Protection Paladin offtank is played by Katy, the girlfriend of the Feral Druid. She’s also a 19 year old student from Brighton but unlike the Feral Druid she knows what courses she’s studying and has a job. She’s halfway through an astrophysics degree and has a offer to work at the European Space Agency in Paris when she graduates. She is smart, intelligent, cheerful, perky, funny, witty, immensely popular in your guild, a highly competent tank and has a 2100+ 3v3 arena rating. The Warrior Tank detests her, has used his job connections to find out where she lives and has been posting bits of dead cat to her for 6 months.
Do you know any of these raiders? Are you any of these raiders?