You may recall a while back I posted about a truly appalling Lolknight I had the utter misfortune to be grouped with in a heroic. Well Aarthas has nothing on the clown with whom I was in a random heroic yesterday. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start at the beginning.
So I’m grinding out Emblems of Frost on everyone from the random daily heroic and Henriksen, my hunter, gets The Old Kingdom. My first indication that something wasn’t quite right was when I zoned in to find one of the group already dead. The deathknight, whom we’ll call Wilbur, was lying around waiting for a rez and everyone else was on varying degrees of low health. This usually means one of two things. Either they just narrowly avoided a wipe with one casualty; or everyone died and ran back, except the bottom-feeding scum who believed that healers exist purely to allow them to go make coffee while they run back to rez their lazy arse after wipes.
Actually, going off-topic here, if you want to wind me up when I’m playing a healer, say “rez pls” after your lack of control gets you killed and we’re still fighting the mobs you over-aggroed on! Even better, if you want to see me turn green and start tossing cars and fire hydrants around, go afk after a wipe and after I and everyone else have done the long run back from the Spirit Healer, say “rez plz” once I return to find you still lying dead and un-released. Add a “lol” if I’m not sufficiently incandescent with rage at that point, because clearly I exist for no other reason than to do the corpse run so you can go make coffee. And remember, when I ask if your release button is broken, the correct reply is “No, sorry, running back now”. This guarantees you get stuff like healing and other good shit. Not “yes lol rez plz”, which guarantees you get a /votekick.
So anyway, our friend Wilbur. Clearly our group healer was a lot more forgiving than I am, as he was rezzing Wilbur’s lazy arse at about the time I caught up with everyone just after the first boss. Now, Wilbur’s gear isn’t spectacular, but it’s not crap either. He’s got a couple of level 245 epics he pretty clearly got in Vault of Archavon or with Badges of Triumph, everything else ranges from level 200 to level 232, but it’s all pretty good stuff, except for his weapons which are the less-than-optimal dual-wielded Avool’s Swords of Jin from the Auction House. Oh wait a minute, he’s wearing Black Spire Sabatons? Is he the tank? Well with 26k health he could be a new level 80 Frost spec dual-wield tank, but considering that paladin sitting drinking over there has 38k health, probably not. But all his gear has stamina gems in it… this is wierd. He’s wearing a tanking cloak and it has a 16 Defence enchant on it, he’s wearing the Triumph Badge reward tank shoulders but he’s got a dps enchant on them. But he’s also using the Triumph Badge dps helm and a dps Sigil And he’s in Blood Presence. So no, he’s not the tank. Oh, and he’s got all 71 points in Blood. So he’s dual-wielding with none of the dual-wield talents from the Frost tree. Which means he also doesn’t have Howling Blast, yet he’s got the Glyph of Howling Blast which is therefore 100% completely useless. He’s also using the Glyph of Blood Strike and the Glyph of Chains of Ice, so he’s at least put some thought into his choices, for an extra 20% damage from Blood Strike on snared targets, but he’s got Heart Strike and he’s using Blood Strike as his primary dps move? Really? People do that? And then despite all that, I never once see him using Chains of Ice. On anything. So nothing is ever snared anyway.
The answer, of course, is very simple. He doesn’t have a clue. Not one.
We deal with Prince Taldaran and our friend Wilbur does the massive total of 350 dps throughout the fight. I think most of this was from Death and Decay and autoattack. We get to the Befouled Terrace and the tank has a bit of an “oops” moment and causes a wipe by jumping over the edge to take out a group without a) telling anyone or b) waiting for the healer to get there. He apologises and everyone runs back to rez up except me (because I feigned death) and Wilbur (because healers exist to run back and rez him while he reads comics). Once everyone’s back and Wilbur’s been rezzed, he instantly Death Grips the nearest patrol and puts us into combat. Bear in mind a couple of things here, he’s just that second been rezzed so he’s got about 3000 health and dies instantly. Also, he’s just been rezzed so the healer has about 3000 mana, and if not for the herculean efforts of the Paladin tank we’d have wiped again right there.
Nornally at this point you’d go straight to the /votekick but I want to finish this run with Wilbur! I find I now have a sick, morbid fascination to see what he’s going to do next. On Jedoga Shadowseeker I get my answer: not a whole lot other than Death and Decay and autoattack. Wilbur beats his previous 350 dps on Prince Taldaran with a whopping 210dps this time! On the way up to Herald Volazj I say in party chat “Wilbur, can you suck some more so I can blog about this, please?”
He doesn’t disappoint. They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, so here’s the picture.
The numbers you can’t see off the top of the screen were me, the Rogue and the tank, in that order. Point to note: Wilbur was out-dpsed by four of his own Army of the Dead ghouls. To be fair to him, he did substantially more dps than the healer or my Viper traps. Later on I found to my eternal joy that Wilbur’s on my server, and you will NOT believe the name of the guild he’s in. Seriously, you couldn’t make this up if you tried. Ready for this?
He’s in the “Special Guild”.
I shit thee not.