The Worst Deathknight In The World

Posted: 2 January, 2010 in Deathknight, Dickhead of the Week, Dungeons

You may recall a while back I posted about a truly appalling Lolknight I had the utter misfortune to be grouped with in a heroic.  Well Aarthas has nothing on the clown with whom I was in a random heroic yesterday.  Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start at the beginning.

So I’m grinding out Emblems of Frost on everyone from the random daily heroic and Henriksen, my hunter, gets The Old Kingdom.  My first indication that something wasn’t quite right was when I zoned in to find one of the group already dead.  The deathknight, whom we’ll call Wilbur, was lying around waiting for a rez and everyone else was on varying degrees of low health.  This usually means one of two things.  Either they just narrowly avoided a wipe with one casualty; or everyone died and ran back, except the bottom-feeding scum who believed that healers exist purely to allow them to go make coffee while they run back to rez their lazy arse after wipes.

Actually, going off-topic here, if you want to wind me up when I’m playing a healer, say “rez pls” after your lack of control gets you killed and we’re still fighting the mobs you over-aggroed on! Even better, if you want to see me turn green and start tossing cars and fire hydrants around, go afk after a wipe and after I and everyone else have done the long run back from the Spirit Healer, say “rez plz” once I return to find you still lying dead and un-released.  Add a “lol” if I’m not sufficiently incandescent with rage at that point, because clearly I exist for no other reason than to do the corpse run so you can go make coffee.  And remember, when I ask if your release button is broken, the correct reply is “No, sorry, running back now”.  This guarantees you get stuff like healing and other good shit.  Not “yes lol rez plz”, which guarantees you get a /votekick.


So anyway, our friend Wilbur.  Clearly our group healer was a lot more forgiving than I am, as he was rezzing Wilbur’s lazy arse at about the time I caught up with everyone just after the first boss.  Now, Wilbur’s gear isn’t spectacular, but it’s not crap either.  He’s got a couple of level 245 epics he pretty clearly got in Vault of Archavon or with Badges of Triumph, everything else ranges from level 200 to level 232, but it’s all pretty good stuff, except for his weapons which are the less-than-optimal dual-wielded Avool’s Swords of Jin from the Auction House.  Oh wait a minute, he’s wearing Black Spire Sabatons?  Is he the tank?  Well with 26k health he could be a new level 80 Frost spec dual-wield tank, but considering that paladin sitting drinking over there has 38k health, probably not.  But all his gear has stamina gems in it…  this is wierd.  He’s wearing a tanking cloak and it has a 16 Defence enchant on it, he’s wearing the Triumph Badge reward tank shoulders but he’s got a dps enchant on them.  But he’s also using the Triumph Badge dps helm and a dps Sigil And he’s in Blood Presence.  So no, he’s not the tank.  Oh, and he’s got all 71 points in Blood.  So he’s dual-wielding with none of the dual-wield talents from the Frost tree.  Which means he also doesn’t have Howling Blast, yet he’s got the Glyph of Howling Blast which is therefore 100% completely useless.  He’s also using the Glyph of Blood Strike and the Glyph of Chains of Ice, so he’s at least put some thought into his choices, for an extra 20% damage from Blood Strike on snared targets, but he’s got Heart Strike and he’s using Blood Strike as his primary dps move?  Really?  People do that?  And then despite all that, I never once see him using Chains of Ice.  On anything.  So nothing is ever snared anyway.

The answer, of course, is very simple.  He doesn’t have a clue.  Not one.

We deal with Prince Taldaran and our friend Wilbur does the massive total of 350 dps throughout the fight.  I think most of this was from Death and Decay and autoattack.  We get to the Befouled Terrace and the tank has a bit of an “oops” moment and causes a wipe by jumping over the edge to take out a group without a) telling anyone or b) waiting for the healer to get there.  He apologises and everyone runs back to rez up except me (because I feigned death) and Wilbur (because healers exist to run back and rez him while he reads comics).  Once everyone’s back and Wilbur’s been rezzed, he instantly Death Grips the nearest patrol and puts us into combat.  Bear in mind a couple of things here, he’s just that second been rezzed so he’s got about 3000 health and dies instantly.  Also, he’s just been rezzed so the healer has about 3000 mana, and if not for the herculean efforts of the Paladin tank we’d have wiped again right there.

Nornally at this point you’d go straight to the /votekick but I want to finish this run with Wilbur!  I find I now have a sick, morbid fascination to see what he’s going to do next.  On Jedoga Shadowseeker I get my answer:  not a whole lot other than Death and Decay and autoattack.  Wilbur beats his previous 350 dps on Prince Taldaran with a whopping 210dps this time!  On the way up to Herald Volazj I say in party chat “Wilbur, can you suck some more so I can blog about this, please?”

He doesn’t disappoint.  They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, so here’s the picture.

The numbers you can’t see off the top of the screen were me, the Rogue and the tank, in that order.  Point to note: Wilbur was out-dpsed by four of his own Army of the Dead ghouls.  To be fair to him, he did substantially more dps than the healer or my Viper traps.  Later on I found to my eternal joy that Wilbur’s on my server, and you will NOT believe the name of the  guild he’s in.  Seriously, you couldn’t make this up if you tried.  Ready for this?

He’s in the “Special Guild”.

I shit thee not.

  1. Klepsacovic says:

    I’m usually not one for the “idiot player” posts, but I think this one warrants an exception.

  2. Tils says:

    OMG, I think I was the healer…….

  3. Stabs says:


    That’s rather sweet.

  4. DW says:

    You better tell me his name in guild-chat later Calli, I do not want to miss an armory on him!!

    Best fail-pug story of 2010 (so far)

  5. Tamarind says:

    DDK is right – best failpug of 2010 🙂 Also Wilbur is an excellent name for a DK.

    And I’m exactly the same about people who are too lazy to corpse run. I refuse to rez them, point blank…. I kind of wish other healers wouldn’t rez them either because it makes it that little bit harder further down the line to deal with a coffee-making dickhead.

  6. Calli says:

    I know what you mean. “No I’m not rezzing your lazy arse, run back like everyone else and… oh, the Ret pally rezzed you. Well.. don’t do it again!”

    It just doesn’t have the same effect.

  7. Euripedes says:

    This was excellent. Truly a show of horrors, but the guild name?

    Crowning Moment of Failure.

    I’ll admit, I may have indulged in a standing ovation.

  8. […] I am, however, advocating the rude and harsh treatment of moronic dipsticks, the kind with no idea how anything works with absolutely zero desire to do anything about it. The kind who just sorta wanders around going “herp a derp derp”. Like this guy. […]

  9. dw-redux says:

    I might have been naughty and posted an armory… Just might

  10. Calli says:

    He has 428 Tailoring? Seriously?


  11. ashley says:

    for a second, i thought this was a failure DK that was in my guild.

    seems just like him, sadly.

    (not the same, though)

  12. Khraden says:

    Plain awesome… obviously getting “carried” is an understatement. I wish that I was there, since though my main spec is a healer, I probably would not have ress’d him and had everyone else go ahead, it’s not like his damage was really counting anyway.

  13. Calli says:

    It’s a testament to how far ahead of the curve most competent players are with the gear available through badges that you can afford to keep this kind of doofus in your group just for the novelty value of seeing what he’s going to do next. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m all for helping newbie players get to grips with the intricacies of their class, and on the very next run I was healing a 28k newbie DK tank with my priest, and was in fact the only one in the group who refused to /votekick. The tank had gemmed and enchanted gear sensibly and was trying hard, and 28k health is absolutely fine for any heroic except perhaps the new Icecrown ones, but Wilbur deserves all the mockery he gets.

  14. Qerrathien says:

    /facepalms/ I’m so glad I wasn’t in this group. It sounds like it was hell to run with that dude. I know one thing, if I were in that group I would have definately /votekick on his butt.

  15. Gx1080 says:

    LOL. I couldn’t believe the guild name until I saw the armory. Major fail. And hi, been lurking for a while.

  16. Ken says:

    Something tells me this guy was literally a child. Say, 9 years old.

    • Calli says:

      Entirely possible, although the thought didn’t occur to me until much later. At the time I was convinced he was just sucking on purpose to piss us off, but after looking at his armoury later I came to the conclusion that he might have had some sort of severe mental disability or, as you say, just be very young. I did then feel mildly guilty, but you have to realise that no-one gave him much of a hard time in the pug. We were pretty much just astonished and amused that anyone could suck that hard, so having him tag along enlivened an otherwise boring badge farm. The treatment he must get in other pugs must make his experience with us seem like the highlight of his year!

      But regardless of why he sucked so bad, the fact remains that he did, and he most certainly is The Worst Deathknight in the World!

  17. Delerius says:

    Best Fail DK of 2010.

    “To be fair to him, he did substantially more dps than the healer or my Viper traps.”

    I lol’ed. A lot. People are looking at me weird. And now they’re laughing too.

    And the guild name… full of win.

  18. Chris says:

    Man that’s funny stuff, his Army of the dead ghouls out dpsing him and he only did 6 times the damage of a snake trap snake. Good stuff.

  19. Chris says:

    Another reason why I hate Arthus…he brought us the Deathtard.

  20. Racthoh says:

    Probably a bot, gear slapped together by gold farmers who really don’t know how to do anything but loot.

  21. Rakhman says:

    Pure genius, this is the funniest PUG post I’ve ever read… outDPSed by his ghouls .. rofl…

  22. […] brilliant stories of Lolknights in action, at Pewpewlazerz, and Tree of Life (I kind of secretly want to make a guild now called For the […]

  23. Jujee says:

    A funny post of the charity instance run for Wilbur.

  24. Cassandri says:

    This is just so bad it’s awesome.

    Out-DPSed by his ghouls. LOL

  25. Chastity says:

    Wow, that’s really faily.

    I kinda respect the fact that he took tailoring. I like people who take non-standard professions. But dude.

    Looking at the armoury, not only did he glyph Howling Blast despite not having it, but also Corpse Explosion.

    Also, the “Special Guild” (sorry “special guild” all lowercase which is nearly as bad as all caps) has three members, and this guy is the leader.

    … and they’re all as bad as each other. The other guild members include a Destruction ‘lock using Glyph of Felguard and another Blood DK with all of their points in one tree.

    I almost think they might be doing it deliberately…

    • Calli says:

      Heck, there are perfectly valid reasons for choosing tailoring as melee dps. Swordguard Embroidery gives you a Beserker enchant on your cloak, but our friend Wilbur has +16 def.

      The mind boggles.

  26. […] I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the “average” WoW player, at least the average blog-reader, will fall into the “hobby” category more than anything else. If you were a “gamer”, you would have no need whatsoever of looking up specs/gems/rotations/strats and if you did decide to browse a few blogs it would be mainly for the hilarious fail DK stories. […]

  27. Bohr says:

    Somebody clearly had applied their pants to the wrong end of their anatomy, thus negatively affecting their cognitive faculties.

  28. gnomeaggedon says:

    To be fair… Ok, there is no way to be fair…

    Another vote for worst of 2010, the year may have just started, but that’s hard to beat.

    Good chance that 9yo is an overestimate… Probably someone’s toddler on /follow. Thus why they didn’t Rez… Normally Mum or Dad Rez them…

    Maybe they were after a flying carpet, or just young and enjoy dressing up?

  29. Mandorellan says:

    i laughed so hard when i read this, and like you i would probably just be fascinated to see the next move, but ONLY if the rest of the group would be capable enough to deal with the lolknights suckiness.
    When the thought occured to me that it probably IS a kid, i just kinda went soft and thought “awww…he’ssocuteitsalittlekidplayingwowawww” and then instantly want to smother them with cuddly toys….
    but hey. thats just me 😛

    Oh and hi, first post on the blog

  30. Mark says:

    ROFL! That is hilarious, no joke! I mean, I am still a noob 80, and not a super amazing one, but I still pull around 2k! And I may not do more threat than my AotD, but I do out-dps them! And also, the glyph could have been a change from talents…. probably not, but I feel bad for the kid.

  31. Lobbyd says:

    Just got here through a link and cant help but reply.

    Quick question “How the hell did he get to 80?” lol

    You can put out more dps when you first start as a DK at lvl 55… lol

    Funny as hell and i think that will keep me smiling all day.

  32. Calli says:

    I guess anyone can hit 80 sooner or later if they just kill enough Snobolds. 😉

  33. […] Deathknight. /sigh.  Just read this or […]

  34. jon marc says:

    u guys are way too nice.

    if i am tank or heals and dps refuse to corpse run, it’s straight votekick. no ifs and buts.

    if votekick fails i leave. i dont need this shit.

    i just log out and get another toon on to run. (and will not be queuing as a healer if i just left as a healer, to avoid getting into the same run again)

  35. ReversionLFM says:

    When it comes to rez the only think I hate worse than ‘rez please’ is when we wipe because some moron did not accept the B-rez for a minute or two and only came back up in time to be the second to last person dead.

    This DK does indeed take the cake. I have seen 700 dps Dks at lvl 80. I have seen legions of players that could not crack 1k. I have even dped naked on my hunter just to show them I could beat them (1200 dps). I have even hurricane myself into 4th place on the meter while healing just to show someone how bad they suck (1400 dps). We even carried one DK (sub 700) through POS once just because is stupidity was so darn funny to watch. This guy beats them all.

  36. Calli says:

    I feel strangely protective of young Wilbur, I have to say. In a sort of “older sibling looking after disabled little brother” sort of way. I mean, yeah, he sucks, but he’s relatively harmless and always good for a laugh. You just need to be aware that he could shoot off at an angle at any second and hurt himself and be prepared to compensate for it. I guess the worst he could do is run off and aggro the whole instance and bring all his new friends to meet you, but it would at least be something to blog about. 😉

  37. […] Blizzard.  You just encouraged Wilbur to queue as a […]

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