Raid Anatomy 101

Posted: 14 March, 2010 in misc, Raiding

This is your raid.  There are many like it, but this one is yours.  You must master your raid as you must master yourself.  Without your raid, you are useless.  Unfortunately your raid is useless with or without you because it consists of these clowns…

1.  The Healers
The Resto Druid is played by a single mother from Amsterdam whose diet consists almost entirely of lentils, cannabis cakes and tofu.  She knows all the words to The Lament of the Highborne and can sing it in its native Thalassian.  When she’s not off her face on cannabis cakes, she’s composing folk songs on her banjo.  Sometimes she does both while playing WoW.  In defiance of all the odds, this actually makes her better at playing her class.  She’s a Wiccan even though she only has a superficial understanding of what that means, but Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was one, so she is too.  If there’s ever any drama in your guild, she’s right at the centre of it.  She’s never actually the source of any drama, but she’s drawn to it like flies to a fresh corpse.

The Resto Shaman is a 17 year old guy from Birmingham.  His offspec is Elemental and everyone in the raid will know this because before every pull he will inform everyone that you only need two healers for this fight and he has an Elemental offspec in case the raid leader needs a healer to switch.  The raid leader never does, but he’ll squeeze in a few sneaky lightning bolts whenever thinks no one’s looking.  He only took a healing offspec so he could get into raids and despite being a healer, he’ll beat the Deathknight on dps.  And then he’ll /roll on the dps caster cloth.

The Holy Priest has been playing a priest since Molten Core and will waste no time telling everyone in the raid his stories about killing Baron Geddon when half the raid was in blues and “stuff was so much harder back in The Good Old Days lol”.  He still loves to equip his full Tier 1 and Benediction and pose around the mailboxes in Dalaran.  He hates the Resto Shaman because he’s carried a grudge about Chain Heal since Black Temple.  He’s actually a pretty good healer but like all Holy Priests, he dies a lot because he suffers from an advanced case of Chronic Martyr Syndrome.  This will manifest itself in various ways, but the most common is death by Standing In The Fire because he was “too busy saving the dumbass dps to notice”.

2.  The DPS.
There are two types of Rogue you can have in your raid.  The first is much more amusing.  No-one knows what his spec is.  Don’t ask him because he’ll just tell you it’s “l337 dps lol!” and you’ll be forced to gouge out your own eyes with a spoon.  If he doesn’t have an addon that spams chat with numbers every time he beats his personal best crit, he’ll type it in raid chat anyway.  He has Recount installed but pretends he doesn’t so he can get away with asking for Recount to be linked after every fight.  He thinks that this way he can act innocent and be genuinely surprised that his dps is so high, instead of linking it himself just to rub everyones’ noses in it.  He hates the hunter, because he’s the only one who can beat him on Recount.  This Rogue is a 13 year old from Aarhus.
The second type of Rogue plays with cold, ruthless efficiency and never says a word on Teamspeak or in raidchat.  His dps is solid and he never screws up.  He plays like a robot because he is in fact a robot.  His name is actually Wan, he lives in Beijing and works for a gold farming company.  He controls the character entirely through scripts and macros and never speaks because he doesn’t speak English at all and is running four other characters at the same time.

The Hunter is a 35 year old unemployed bricklayer from Glasgow.  Despite playing while under the influence of enough alcohol to kill a horse, his dps is spectacular on any fight where he’s allowed to stand still and dps because… well…  he’s a Hunter.  On any movement fight his dps is great up until the point where the Holy Priest can’t keep him alive through Standing In Fire any longer due to succumbing to Matryr Syndrome and dying in Fire himself.  At which point the Hunter dies too and opens another can of Heineken Export.  Due to being completely and utterly shitfaced, the hunters’ sole contribution to raidchat is limted to “wwwwaaasssddaaawwaaa” on those rare occasions when he realises he’s not in fact hallucinating and those pretty colours are actually the fire he’s standing in, but forgets he pressed his Enter key before trying to move.  Occasionally he speaks on Teamspeak, but no-one other than another drunken Glaswegian is capable of understanding a drunken Glaswegian and you only have one Hunter in your raid.

Your Mage used to be a Fireball mage.  Before that he was a Frostfire Mage and now he’s an Arcane Mage with a Frostfire Bolt AoE offspec.  As a result he has gear that has far too much crit, ridiculous amounts of hit and nowhere near enough haste, but since Mage Flavour of the Month spec changes so often he’s constantly playing catch up with his gear. He played a Mage in The Burning Crusade, when even vendor npcs did better dps and mages weren’t even needed for Arcane Intellect due to the Kiru’s Song of Victory buff, so he’s pathetically touchy about criticism of his dps and he hates Warlocks with a single-minded intensity that would make Hannibal Lecter look scatterbrained.  He’ll go out of mana due to Arcane Blast spam about 50% into any fight and will always time his Evocation to go off half a second before Bad Shit appears randomly at his feet.  He will therefore spend the rest of the fight either dead or using a wand, cursing warlocks the entire time.

The Feral druid is a 19 year old student from Brighton.  He’s busy failing his second year of university due to playing too much WoW.  Never schedule a raid for weekend mornings or afternoons if the Feral Druid is in your raids because you’ll always need to find a replacement for him due to his still being in bed/drunk from the night before.  He doesn’t resemble anything even vaguely human until at least 2pm in the afternoon.  His diet consists entirely of cheap beer from the Students’ Union and bread, yet he’s still up to his eyeballs in debt.  This is because his bank overdraft and student loan is spent on WoW and cigarettes, and he doesn’t have a job.  All of this spare time and WoW playing should, of course, make him an exceptionally good Feral dps, if not for one thing.  Due to the complexity of the Feral dps priority system, to be any good at Feral dps you need the reflexes of a rattlesnake combined with the mental dexterity of an Air Traffic Controller.  Sadly, your Feral druid is a 19 year old student from Brighton who doesn’t get out of bed before 2pm in the afternoon.

The Deathknight.
/sigh.  Just read this or this.

3.  The Tanks.
The Warrior Tank is played by a single 40 year old man from Manchester who works in some government bureaucracy that he never talks about on account of it being a soul-destroying job that saps his will to live on a daily basis.  WoW is his only escape from the drudgery of his daily existence.  He is exceptionally good at tanking, which you’d expect since he’s been doing it “since you were still crapping in your hands and wiping it on your face, asshole!” He is, however, utterly devoid of patience due to his god-awful job and suffers from Chronic Carpal Tunnel Syndrome due to being a Warrior tank in the first four years of WoW and having to tab target and spam Sunder Armour on every mob in sight as his only means of generating aoe threat.  This lack of patience and constant, debilitating pain makes him THE MOST EVIL BAD TEMPERED BASTARD IN THE WORLD.  If you screw up, he will OWN you.  On the bright side, he makes Heroic Halls of Reflection look easy and is entirely capable of tanking Gormok the Impaler and both Northrend Worms at the same time until the Resto Druid can battle rez your offtank.  In fact, he once had to when a PuG Holy Paladin didn’t give the Warrior’s Offtank a Blessing of Protection as demanded after the fourth Impale from Gormok, causing the Offtank’s death in Heroic 25 man Trial of the Grand Crusader.  The Warrior Tank had a few things to say to the Holy Paladin afterwards.  The Holy Paladin is now too scared to log back in and hasn’t been seen in six months.

The Protection Paladin offtank is played by Katy, the girlfriend of the Feral Druid.  She’s also a 19 year old student from Brighton but unlike the Feral Druid she knows what courses she’s studying and has a job.  She’s halfway through an astrophysics degree and has a offer to work at the European Space Agency in Paris when she graduates.  She is smart, intelligent, cheerful, perky, funny, witty, immensely popular in your guild, a highly competent tank and has a 2100+ 3v3 arena rating.  The Warrior Tank detests her, has used his job connections to find out where she lives and has been posting bits of dead cat to her for 6 months.

Do you know any of these raiders?  Are you any of these raiders?

Comments
  1. Dwism says:

    Oh you *knew* I would comment on this.

    You *know* I play a Dk, you (apparently) know where I live too.

    And that Priest, sure as Fekk is a mix of me with a bit of nanta thrown in for good measure.
    You are sick and twisted.

    And I love it.

    Although -it seems- ill have to change my prot pala’s name to Katy.

    Oh and I’m telling Jingles about how you feel about Locks.

    • Calli says:

      Noes! Not The Mighty Jingles! NO FAIR!

    • Tam says:

      I KNEW THAT PRIEST WAS YOU!!!!

      • dwism says:

        Well, the latter part i’ll own up to. I *still* envy shamans their chain heals (you bastards), and I’ve more than once died due to healing others.
        But I do not claim things where easier back in vanilla (just more fun) and I do not have a full tier one set and bene in my bank. (im missing the pants, thank you very much).

  2. Stabs says:

    Ha ha, that’s awesome.

  3. Issy says:

    I _love_ this post!!
    Some of the descriptions are so spot on I am wondering if we raid together without knowing it :P

  4. Shanssa says:

    Oh, I know that hunter! You have him right except… A Glaswegian drinking HEINEKEN? From a CAN? No, no, no, it will be something far more hearty.

    I firmly believe that only Americans drink Heineken, and that’s only because their (mass-produced) local brews are even worse.

  5. Kurnak says:

    Good post Calli, you should complete with the rest of classes/specs that also bing so much fun: shadowpriests, fury warriors, bear druids, retribution paladins… that would be an EPIC! post.
    Btw, what about us multiplayers? Hard to be several persons at the same time, with different ages and living in different places :D

  6. Calli says:

    I’ll probably get round to doing a part two sooner or later. I’m going to have fun with the Fury Warrior and Bear, that’s for sure. /cackle

    • dwism says:

      I would love to see retardins and holy palas (but bacon doesnt give me any group healing abilities 11!!), but also a genuine stab at DK’s.

      We are a real class dammit, and not just someone to be dismissed. I demand to be ridiculed. I mean. Ehm. Well, that was what i meant tbh. The “link old posts where I yell at DKs” is SUCh an easy way out!

      (no! I can’t do it better myself, that is sooo not the point)

  7. Eversor says:

    Too funny! You sure you’re not American? Er…a Yank I mean? Well, I suppose with an entire country there have to be at least a few funny people. Yes, yes…I’m kidding. We’ve already established you Brits are funny….I admit it….I even thought “The Young Ones” was funny at times. Not as funny as “Who’s the Boss” or “Full House” of course, but funny.

  8. Tinuviel says:

    Where’s the Holy Paladin bit in healers? :(… not happy. Update!

    • Calli says:

      I was thinking more of doing your warlock alt, the only lock in existence who’s accepted more summons than given them! Yes that’s right, little miss afk! ;)

      • Tinuviel says:

        …and getting back on point! I *demand* a holy paladin write up added to this post or my warlock will lock Jingles up in his own salt mines with without his beloved succubus plus no rations or time off! After doing this, feel free to write up a tribute to Ashrianna.

        Really.. you have every healer type covered but the finest of them all!

      • Calli says:

        Hmmm… The Holy Paladin appears to be afk at the moment, how strange…

      • Tinuviel says:

        Not nearly good enough. Up there in the main blog in all our glory plx.

  9. Erinys says:

    After reading this, I’m off to shard my tier 1 and possibly my benediction in shame. Although Baron Geddon was hard, honest.

    Hilarious post and oh so true. I’ve played with all these people over the years.

  10. [...] Lazerz, and in particular Raid Anatomy 101 (and if that’s not your raid, you’re not playing WoW). Plus, he “hates Warlocks [...]

  11. Darn, I hate it when my linkbacks post comments, even richly deserved linkbacks. It makes me feel like a bot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a mailbox to dance on…

  12. jon marc says:

    your MT description cracks me up. can i get your MT to transfer and tank for my guild?

  13. Racthoh says:

    Very right about my mage! Though I’m not as touchy as I used to be due to being overgeared. And I love my lock friend! Though he is a bit like you’re Resto Shaman.

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